I was listening to my ipod today in shuffle mode. Ben Folds’ “Gracie” came on.
It’s a song about his daughter..her growing up.
It was the end that really got me – he sings
“there will always be a part of me, nobody else is ever going to see but you and me, my little girl, my Gracie girl”
I got to wondering what part it is of me that my Gracie sees when the two of us are alone.
Sometimes it’s my frustration that I’ve been peed on- again.
Sometimes it’s kisses on her cheek.
Sometimes it’s tears.
Sometimes it’s singing in her ear.
Sometimes it’s a prayer.
Sometimes it’s me telling her it’s going to be ok.
Sometimes it’s me saying “ I got you, I got you, I got you” as we wait for a seizure to pass.
Sometimes it’s me begging her to cooperate.
Sometimes it’s me telling her how much I love her.
Sometimes it’s just quiet- a snuggle- the longness of her body somehow still fitting into the shortness of mine.
Sometimes it’s me telling her “I’m almost done- I promise” as I comb her hair or brush her teeth.
Sometimes it’s me asleep beside her.
My Gracie has seen me:
Desperate and sad.
Brave and confident.
Madder than I ever knew I could get.
Laugh with pride.
Try, and try, and try again.
I value very much that part of me that Gracie sees that no one else does. My thanks to Ben Folds for pointing it out.